The highest form of being is integrity

and it's the hardest part of this human existence

TLDR; healing will ruin your life. It’ll strip away your illusions, the roles you played, the masks you wore to feel loved, the identities you built to survive. You might lose people who never truly saw you, outgrow people or places that once felt like home and grieve versions of yourself that kept you safe. You’ll sit in silence that’ll shake your bones, feel lost in the in-between, too far from who you were and not yet who you’ll become. And it’ll break you open - not to destroy you, but to rebuild you with integrity. You’ll finally see clearly and accept all sides of yourself, giving you full power to step forward into the peace you’ve always been seeking.

Let’s begin…

Integr(ity)ation is the hardest part of this human existence.

Since we were children, we’ve been told to squash and suppress parts of ourselves. We’ve been told that some aspects of who we are aren’t welcome, they can be shameful and don’t align with what society deems “good.” For example, women are often shamed for expressing even the tiniest bit of sexual energy (and I’m not talking about the over-sexualisation that we are seeing today, but just comfort and confidence in their beauty and skin) while men are discouraged from showing any emotion other than that of a rock.

From day one until now, we’ve been fine-tuned not to bring our whole selves to the table. We’ve learned to people-please, to prioritise others’ needs above our own, to "keep the peace," to hold it together, to not make it heavy or awkward, to not ruin the “fun”.

Even in many so-called “healing spaces,” whether in mental health or spiritual coaching, we’re taught that some emotions are better than others - that certain feelings like joy, calm, or gratitude are more favourable, while anger, sadness, or grief are to be “managed” or “released.” But all this does is further justify emotional repression.

We’re told to push away or bypass the hard emotions, and in doing so, we split from the parts of ourselves that make us or others uncomfortable - even though those parts are often the ones most in need of care and love in that moment. The problem is, emotional repression doesn’t make those feelings disappear.

Accepting the full spectrum of the human experience is how we start to become comfortable in discomfort, and integrate sides of ourselves we have previously suppressed or cut off.

Emotional repression disconnects us from how we feel, making it harder to understand or process emotions – both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ – when they naturally resurface. And they will resurface. And this is if you haven’t experienced Trauma. Most of us have felt trauma – maybe not “big T” trauma, but enough to shape us in ways we rarely examine. Even if our parents did the best they could, we convince ourselves our childhoods were “good enough,” brushing aside the cracks in the foundation.

As we move through life, splitting ourselves to meet toxic societal expectations, we get really good at compartmentalising the fragments. Living with open wounds would be too painful after all. So, we build bridges within ourselves to survive. These bridges a.k.a coping mechanisms, serve a purpose. They allow us to move safely from one side of ourselves to another. It’s smart. We’re finely tuned animals, after all, designed to survive. But over time, these bridges become limitations.

Take, for example, a man who was taught to suppress his emotions. He buries them so deeply that, in his relationships, he can’t fully connect. Instead of facing his feelings, he projects outward, blaming his partner or the relationship itself. Unable to confront the discomfort, he might turn to external comforts – cheating, distractions, or finding solace elsewhere. This creates another split, layered with shame, and the cycle of fragmentation continues.

Or take a woman shamed for her sexuality even if it is a passive consequence of her beauty and aura. She suppresses her desires, internalising that they are “wrong,” and struggles to fully inhabit her own identity. She’s been taught her desire is dangerous, so she either shuts it down or expresses it in ways that feel disembodied. Maybe she performs sex but doesn’t feel it. Maybe she uses it for control, not connection. Either way, she doesn’t feel whole.

The bridges we build to survive eventually become the cages we live in.

Confronting all sides of ourselves

Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” This speaks to why so many of us feel a constant sense of dis-ease and unrest. We’re not whole. We’re constantly running across these burning bridges, building new ones as we split further, fragmenting ourselves more and more in the process. Jung believed that these hidden, repressed aspects of who we are – the “shadow” – must be confronted to heal. Without facing these parts of ourselves, we remain stuck, projecting our unresolved pain onto others and the world around us. Integration is about embracing the shadow – understanding it is a vital part of our wholeness, not shaming and trying to erase it.

“All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells are within you”

Sit with all sides of yourself, no matter how strange, dark, or pessimistic they may seem. All sides are valid – there is wisdom in all we are. Radical honesty and sincerity from the deepest layers of our being are brutal to feel through, but eventually, these dark corners become part of the room. And we realise, the walls could not stand without them. This is the essence of shadow work – accepting that our darkness, our imperfections, and our uncomfortable truths are just as integral to our wholeness as our light.

Some of us are lucky. We get to a point when enough is enough, and we start to inquire. We realise the bridges are burning, and the coping mechanisms we’ve relied on are the root of our anxieties. Great – we’ve gained awareness. But can you accept you’re the only problem in your life? That the bridges that once kept you safe now hold you back? That dismantling them is your responsibility and no one else’s? That’s a tough one.

If you can accept this, the next step is integration – bringing the fragmented parts of yourself back together.

A problem is no longer a problem when there is awareness - it then becomes a choice.

Integr(ity)ation is not love and light, it’s heavy metal

This isn’t just work; it’s hard fucking work. It’s the inner work. This is THE inner work. And this is where spirituality gets a bad and false reputation. It’s not matcha lattes, hot yoga, or perfectly curated journaling routines. And I’m saying that as someone who has been there and done all that. Sure, it can be a step on the journey - one that you might have to explore to realise there’s nothing there for you, but to be clear: there is no true integration or divinity in performative self-care. You might look like you’re glowing on the outside, but if you’re still living a double life – pretending to be one thing while treating yourself and others poorly, refusing to grow because it’s just “who you are”, distracting yourself fixating on the external – you’re still bypassing the work and eventually, the temporary performative work wears off and you’ll start to feel the malaise seep through the cracks again.

This is what people don’t realise about inner work. The work doesn’t sound like the gentle gongs of sound baths where all you have to do is lie back and let the waves of transformation passively wash over you (although I highly recommend sound baths cuz hashtag yummy). No, this work is Iron Maiden (heavy metal for the uninitiated). Are you ready to rip up the foundations (lovingly, of course)? To tear down the bridges (with compassion, always)? To stand butt nakey among the rubble and admit you know nothing? Are you ready to rebuild with gentle and compassionate curiosity and pure bravery?

Of course, you don’t have to do it. You can keep hiding your stretch marks with shame while parading your limiting beliefs as personality traits. You can say, “this is me,” or “this is just how things are,” and really believe it. You can hide behind that resignation until the constraints feel like home. But how does it really feel? How do you feel when you’re alone – no phone, no social media, no substances? Can you sit with yourself for an hour, a day, a week? Can you face yourself in the mirror? Can you take psychedelics and not just survive the experience but thrive in the depths of your psyche? Who are you when no one is watching?

We all wear masks. The Japanese say we have three: one for the world, one for close friends and family, and one for ourselves. Playing different roles in different settings is part of being human, but there’s a fine line between adapting and splitting, between self-awareness and self-censorship, between creating harmony and betraying yourself.

As a society, it’s fascinating how much shame we attach to bodies – our own and others’ – while neglecting the shame and toxicity in our minds and hearts. Social media has us sculpting our bodies while we lose our minds and disconnect from our souls. If your head and heart are out of shape, no one, including you, will feel safe around you. That anxiety you carry? It’s THE sign you’re ready for your spiritual couch to 5k programme.

Jung believed that the shadow contains not only the parts of ourselves we reject but also untapped potential – creativity, strength, and power we’ve buried. By integrating these unconscious parts into the light of awareness, we transform shame into strength and fear into wisdom. True healing requires that we face our shadows with compassion and courage, confronting what we’ve repressed and embracing it as part of our whole selves.

When you’ve truly done the work, integration brings the peace you’ve been searching for. And then your peace doesn’t need to be guarded, it guards you. You can go through the most gnarly external shit and that inner peace will protect you. Ram Dass had a stroke and found it to be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. That’s the kind of peace we’re talking about – the kind that sustains you through life’s hardest moments.

Maturity is when you stop blaming external factors and start taking accountability. No one is coming to save you. No one can. That’s scary because full accountability is full responsibility. No more excuses. No more distractions. It’s just you and your reflection. That’s the real fear – not what you lose, but what you might gain when you step into your full power.

And yeah, it’s a lonely road sometimes. When you’ve done the work, you see the world differently. You feel like a butterfly trying to explain flight to caterpillars. But part of the journey is learning to bridge that gap with compassion. It’s all part of the process. Even the Iron Maiden stuff. Can you look at it as a puzzle? Can you find the fun in curiosity? Can you realise that you’re holding the pencil and the eraser? So, draw this life as many times as you need until it feels right for you.

Don’t do more on this journey – split less…

Steps to begin this work

If you’re ready to start integrating the fragmented parts of yourself, here are a few steps to guide you:

1. Create space for reflection: Set aside time daily to sit with yourself. No distractions – just you and your thoughts. Journal if it helps, but the goal is to become comfortable in your own presence.

2. Acknowledge the shadow: Ask yourself what parts of you feel shameful, hidden, or rejected. Be brutally honest. What do you avoid about yourself?

3. Practice self-compassion: The shadow isn’t your enemy. Approach it with curiosity rather than judgment. These parts of you formed for a reason – give them the love they’ve been denied.

4. Seek support: Whether it’s through therapy, coaching, or trusted friends, find people who can hold space for your transformation without judgment.

5. Start small: Shadow work isn’t about fixing everything at once. Begin with one bridge, one coping mechanism, one fragment at a time.

6. Be patient: This is lifelong work. Move to wholeness slowly and steadily

7. Enjoy the ride: Yeah, this might seem heavy and time-consuming, but it doesn’t have to be. Find play in dismantling and rebuilding - you’ve just discovered your human play-doh, so start sculpting.

The most spiritual thing you can do? The best self-development out there?

Stop entertaining what makes you fragment and betray your soul. Stop lying to yourself, stop accepting shame as status quo, stop believing you can’t change, stop limiting yourself.

Integrity – the quality of being whole, honest, and aligned with your values – isn’t just a moral ideal. It’s the foundation of peace. It’s the highest form of being. And when you embody it fully, you don’t just find peace, you become it.

<3